I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
vagina is talking i cant
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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