good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
