Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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