you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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