No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
