I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
