Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
