omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
