I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she woke up with a sticky ear
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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