Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
