I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
