you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday