I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
