I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear