Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
