OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
