New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I woke up under a house in Key West
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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