tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
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This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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