so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I think people are normalizing furries
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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