My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
