yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
