only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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