You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
