so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
