One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
