sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
