Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
