Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
