i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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