My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
i think i just lost a toe
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
