I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
