I swear she didn't look like that last week.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
