You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
