I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
