I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
