ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
