Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
