Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
