I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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