why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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