in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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