Midget sex pt 2 tonight
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
