why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
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