I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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