Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
