she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
