I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Did you pee in the oven last night??
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
