I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
