i permit you to call me
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
