Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
