He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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