Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
