dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
