Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
