I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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