i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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