The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
sex in a hospital.. check
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
