he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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