how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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