Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize