You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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