Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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