I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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