Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
