You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
