1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You may now shotgun with the bride
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
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