Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
