i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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